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How to Grieve a Place

Writer's picture: Hilary KernHilary Kern

Updated: Jan 22

A childhood memory of the Palisades Village
A childhood memory of the Palisades Village

This is for anyone impacted by the fires and losses in Los Angeles. If you’ve lost a home or business, my heart goes out to you dearly. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. Here is a comprehensive list of how to get or give support during this tragedy.


I grew up in Pacific Palisades and live very nearby. I could see the flames from my window, the smoke filling my streets and the ashes on my doorstep.  


I’ve heard friend after friend losing their homes and seen footage of so many anchors from my childhood decimated.  


This level of loss is incomprehensible. 


The loss of physical space and structures of this scale that hold us and our memories is unfathomable and incredibly challenging to know how to process.  


It’s a normal to feel physically, mentally and emotionally ungrounded. Even as a therapist and coach with many tools, it’s at times tough to access them. 


However, every time I take a small moment of gentle self-care, I notice I feel my capacity expand and my ability to support others grow. 


Here are 5 small steps to help you through this huge loss. 


Please pass this along when it feels right or if inspired.  


  1. Know that it is normal right now to feel disoriented, unsettled, have a difficult time focussing or feel up and down. Don’t be hard on yourself or expect yourself to “function” like you did before. This can be hard to accept, because a common response to a crisis is to do more to feel a sense of control.  


  1. See if you’re available for some physical grounding. This is a way of providing your body with a direct way to feel supported. Ask yourself, what shape would feel most supportive to me in this moment? Child pose or sitting in a chair with your feet, seat and back making solid contact with the floor are great options. Notice the places your body is making contact with the surfaces. Find 5 deep breaths as you focus to the best you can on the points where your body is making contact.  For extra grounding, you can also explore pressing into the ground from different positions.  


  1. If there are any emotions that want to be felt, allow yourself to feel them. If you have someone to hold you, let them hold you or picture someone very loving with you right now as you allow the emotions to move – do this as often as you need to, but also don’t force yourself to do so. Be gentle with yourself. 


  1. Take breaks from news, viewing footage or social media. Allow your mind to focus on other things that are pleasant and bring you into the present moment.


  1. Connect with friends and community who have had a similar experience – this will help you feel less alone.  


Lastly, I recommend this ichill app from the Trauma Resource Institute. It teaches 6 wellness tools designed to manage trauma and stress.  


In Love and Care,


Hilary Kern


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